I found myself looking at the past. In my hard drive contains everything that makes me happy. I saw your folder. Played all the videos I took before for your 17th. I don’t know if you got the chance to watch them all. I caught myself laughing from all the people who you love and trust before. I’m laughing because they all had wishes for us both. And then I realized, I miss you. The way you make me happy. The simple gestures of lending me your jacket. Smelling your perfume. Embracing myself with your scent. The technique you use when you see my frowning face. The way you comfort me when I feel sad and alone and depressed. The way you showed me how you loved me. I miss them all. I miss having you as my company. I miss having you beside me.
Extra sweet today.
Literal almost spent the whole day beside each other.
Held hands walking everywhere.
Lambing mode at some point.
Yakisoba date. 😆😆
Walked me to the car.
Walked in circles.
Held hands inside the classroom.
Golly, I love this person so much and how he takes my worries away.
I’ve been thinking about you. How did we ever come to this state. Already have doubt in my minds. Thinking of the “expiration date” of whatever this is. It saddens me. It causes me pain. It hurts for me to think so negatively. I’ve come to realized that this is reality and I have to accept it.
As I was on my own to school, I found myself reading and deleting message of people in my phone. I stumbled to yours and read the conversation we had through the years. I came across that one conversation we had one Saturday afternoon. That almost intimate conversation. Asking what we really are. Then, it hit me. I have been thinking about it ALL DAY LONG.
I was trying to ignore you. This is my way of trying to detach myself. But whenever I do that, you somehow magically react to it. I always start all over again. As I was walking, I was somehow waiting for you to walk beside me. But then again, I thought about it and told myself that you have no obligation to me. So I continue staring blankly as I walk. Not saying any words. Not showing any expression. Just trying to concentrate on my mind that is floating in the air. As we walk back to Batibot, I was walking in the same manner. Not minding anybody. Just walking and staring blankly. I didn’t even bother to wait for you guys. I already accepted the fact that I am having a bad day. But suddenly, something shocking happened. You walk pass through me with your positive aura and that smile on your face and said “Hi!” As a response, I smiled back.
I was still minding my own business. Sat away from the table full of happy people. I wanted to isolate myself. But deep inside, I wanted you to be isolated with me. Again, you sat beside me. Talk to me about things. Asking me if I’m tired because you also feel the same thing. Then, I decided to tell you something about what is bothering me. We ended up finishing our conversation and realizing that our classmates are already upstairs. Telling you my thoughts was just relieving. I wish we have more times like this. Hoping that you’ll be more open to me and trust me with your secrets.
After class, I waited for you. Hugged you. Didn’t want to let go of you. I wanted time to freeze in that moment. Somehow it made me feel at ease. Making me realize that you care about me as much as I care about you. Hugging you make things feel lighter.
We like each other. (Sweet)
No commitment. (Bitter)
I’ve been thinking the whole week. My plan was to somehow avoid you. I wanted to do that because I do not want to be too attach (even if I already am). I’m having doubts whether or not I want whatever we have or more. I have been thinking about having a boyfriend again because I feel that I am ready. I’ve also been thinking if that person can be you.
And then, I start to notice how you try so hard to include me in your busy life. I start to notice how you take care of me in ways you can. I start to notice your efforts to make me notice you whenever I try to avoid you. And that makes me wonder.
That point. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you sit beside me everyday. Every single day, I see your face. I see you smile. I hear you mumble. I hear you talk to me. You are beside me. And yet, I can’t feel your presence. I always feel that you are far away. That’s sad. It’s causing me so much pain. Every night I think about you and me. I doubt that you like me like what you told me before. Where are the actions? Am I not that important to you? Yes. You’re busy. I understand that. But, you’re just sitting beside me yet I feel that you are far far away. 😭. You have no time to spare for me. Whenever we have time, we don’t really talk. See how confusion affects this? Are you even aware that I am reaching to that point of giving up on you. I’ve lost all the hope. I already told myself, NO. He’s just another fantasy that is never going to happen.